17 Problems Only People Who Can’t Eat Gluten Will Understand
Whether you’re sensitive to gluten or have been diagnosed with Coeliac Disease, you’ll be fully aware of the often exasperating situations involving food (not to mention the civil war going on in your intestines).
Coeliac Disease is a serious genetic autoimmune digestive disease that thrashes your lovely villi (the finger-like projections in the small intestine that absorb nutrients) when gluten is present, causing inflammation that causes the villi to shrink. It’s not an allergy, despite (annoying) popular misconception.
Some Coeliacs pass enough gas to power an entire city, some look like they’re about to give birth to an overdue watermelon and others develop chronic itchy rashes. Basically, it sucks. Still, we must remain upbeat in our struggle against the big G. Remember how overjoyed you were when you found out Nutella was gluten free?
What follows are problems we Coeliacs can all relate to and (hopefully) make light of. It may take a day, a month, a year, or five years to recover; but don’t give up. After all, you can still have champagne.
- When someone asks what gluten is in
Where do we start? If you’re Coeliac, chances are you’ll have some other intolerance too – just to make things even more complicated. Dairy? Eggs? Nuts? Soy? Gluten is just the tip of the iceberg.
2. Looking at an item in a supermarket, swearing at it, then putting it back
Especially when a companies put stupidly unnecessary gluten into products, or declares they ‘may contain traces of wheat’. Why? WHY?
3. Getting stupidly drunk at parties because the only thing you can have is wine
If you’re well prepared for a party, you’ll come equipped with your own snacks, but being among the all-you-can’t-eat spread of pastries and mini sausage rolls is pushing you to the brink of a nervous breakdown. The only solution? Wine, wine and more wine.
- Feeling a little bit mental checking the waiting staff definitely ordered the GF dish for the fourth time
Do you know I’m Coeliac? Not just gluten intolerant? Did you tell the chefs? Are you sure? What pan are they using? Did you definitely write down gluten free? Do you even know what gluten IS?
- When someone apologises for eating gluten in your presence
Totally fine. You eat that gluten-riddled crumbly bread on the same table as me, then grease up your chin with sexy fried chicken. You do that. No problem here *hyperventilates*.
- When you first found out Domino’s does gluten free bases
THERE IS A GOD.
- Travelling is definitely not as simple as it used to be
Your checklist now consists of snacks, snacks, snacks, and more snacks.
- When you see diners eating ‘real’ pizza in a restaurant
Greasy, deep-pan 16″ pizza porn, on everyone else’s tables. Then comes your own GF base (all 10 inches of it) and you proceed to silently weep with every mouthful.
- When a housemate/family member uses their dishcloth on your pan
As much as you try not to burden your family, the occasional outbursts of “Don’t use that sponge!” and “I can’t have vinegar!” will forever echo the walls of your home. You’ve reached the conclusion that you’re probably best off in strict gluten free quarantine, and never leaving.
- When people think Coeliac Disease is an allergy
“What, a breadcrumb can actually hurt you?”
- Companies that try to cash in on Coeliac Disease
Ever seen ‘Gluten Cutter’? They claim you can take their pill and never suffer the consequences of eating gluten ever again… *puts on skeptical spectacles*.
- Googling everything before you can eat it
Is Ben & Jerry’s gluten free? Is xanthum gum gluten free? Is Colgate mouthwash gluten free? Is ANYTHING gluten free? Help me, Google, HELP ME.
13.BEING GLUTENED
The absolute worst. Pour yourself a peppermint tea and grab a hot water bottle. Weather report is looking like brain-fog, with occasional outbursts of sleet.
- Trying to act cool next to someone eating a sandwich
Eating in public is of course, perfectly legal; but that doesn’t stop the sheer unadulterated anxiety filling your nervous system every time you see hellish morsels of gluten falling from the lips of your neighbour on the train.
- When your partner goes in for a kiss after eating gluten
“Errrrm, have you brushed your teeth?” Awkward.
- Doctors not understanding you
Gluten free, but still ill? Yup, there’s no help for that. Or anything concerning Coeliac Disease. It’s just you and your intestines now, dear.
- Shotgun bread: the perpetual struggle
Just what are the companies doing with their GF bread? 90% of the loaves you buy look like they’ve been delivered to the shelves via World War 3. It’s not often you’ll find any loaf that doesn’t have a few fallen soldiers in the pack, and when you’re paying three times as much for a GF loaf, it’s bound to turn you Hulk-ish.
Have you experienced the non-religious form of holy bread? What other difficulties have you encountered since adopting a gluten free life? Feel free to share your thoughts, tips, or Coeliac problems in the comments below!